Making Conscious Choices

Today is going to be imprinted in my consciousness as a sad day for me.  I am deeply connected to a group of souls that chose to come here and chose hard lessons.  Lessons of forgiveness are not easy when it comes to some losses. I was just telling my sister I can barely remember my Mother.  I have to try very hard to even hold on to the few memories that I have left.  If I try very hard sometimes I can here her real voice.  I’m a healer and I’ve been trying to heal myself and my family for a long time.  A lot of that with me gets lost in projection.  My own lessons have been teaching me how one persons actions and choices can affect an entire consciences group.  My childhood was filled with a lot of separation and darkness.  These choices made by other people, that affected me so greatly, are not random.  We are tied together through our past choices and certain karmic cycles.  In an instant of anger an entire community and an entire soul group experienced a loss.  These actions that I had no control over altered the course of time for so many people around me.  Humanity has yet to understand the interconnectedness of each of our actions and how they influence everyone.  The events in my life that should have been the happiest often were so sad to me to.  I saw birthdays, holidays, weddings and babies being born all without my Mother.  We didn’t just miss her during this celebrations we grieved in ways I doubt people could ever comprehend.  Some of the happiest times in my life, came with a certain heaviness.  I watched an entire soul group go through such a deep pain, that generations later we are all still having issues healing.  A new generation of children is here, and each took on that same karmic pain, and those same heart chakra lessons.  Children who never met her will continue her journey and her lessons, with any added pain their mothers passed on to them.  One persons actions so long ago, I barely can remember, altered the course of time for everyone around them.  While the people around me chose to continue to hold on to that pain, I chose to heal and to channel that into something for the good of humanity.  A lot of my friends will be complaining about their mothers today and sharing memes about gun topics.  I am sitting here, crying for those who are missing my mother, who died from a firearm.  I was having much to deep conversations about how these systems are to blame for everything to do with this.  Not in a way people might think either.  I blame a lot of people for these past events who all worked for these systems in some capacity.  I blame the doctors for putting me on controlled substance by the time I was 10 years old and the amount of medications I was prescribed, the systems that failed me as a child.  These system failures cost my mother her life, and they did not stop there, they failed my entire family.  The police apologized to me after I was an adult.  They said sorry to me that they made mistakes that cost my family any justice.  I was apologized to by my father as well.  I can see every perspective, and I was one of the only ones who could forgive something like that.  My repose was at that time that I had something taken from me that I can not replace.  So while everyone felt bad, and was sorry, I still would never get that back.  These system failures are causing reactions that are affecting all of humanity.  This is not fixable to me in any way.  These failures are taking lives.  Only in becoming conscious and in  taking responsibility for our actions can we move forward. These choices that hurt me so badly are easy to put on someone else.  They were my past actions as well as yours.  At some point we must stop all of this by taking responsibility for all of it, only then can we can move on…